Monday, January 26, 2009

juicy baby, salty tears

so jennifer keeps using the word "juicy" lately. this is hilarious when we are running and she yells it out at me just as i feel i'm having a heart attack....always good for a laugh, especially when i need one, thanks jenn. ;)

i hope everyone is enjoying their snow day. to tell the truth, i was unhappy when i got my text this morning. i really, really wanted to go and get another day in. yes, it's nice to sleep in but man this is gonna stink in may. rest and enjoy, i suppose...

i think i amy have needed the snow day, even though i really didn't want another. we've had a very difficult weekend and it's been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. drew had my phone on the way home friday and had thrown it somewhere in the car. i did not find it until saturday afternoon when we were getting ready to go home to see my family. when i dug the phone out from under drew's carseat, i had 6 missed calls and 3 voicemails. i immediately knew something was wrong because no one ever calls me. mom had called five times and mamaw once. when i check my messages mom just leaves a short diddy saying i need to call her, she has something she needs to tell me. next, i get one from mamaw telling me she's okay, despite what anyone else had called to tell me. you know that sinking feeling you get in your stomach? the one where you know the bottom is getting ready to drop out and there's not a damn thing you can do about it? yep, that's pretty much the feeling i got.

i called mom back and she first asked where i was...when i told her we were headed home, she sounded relieved that i wasn't there yet. she then told me what i had a premonition of....mamaw had gone for her latest PET scan and it had not come back good. there is a bright spot showing up on the scan on her back. they don't know anything but that at the moment but it's terrifying. i know she's terrified even though she would never say it. luckily i was able to think about things and get myself together before we got home. i feel like i'm becoming an old pro at hearing this news and being able to get myself together enough to make mam believe i'm not too upset. most of you know how much she means to me so you know it isn't easy for me to keep myself happy and positive when we're looking down this road once again. i think i'm more worried about the location of the spot than anything. as those of you at waco know, the first thing that came to my mind was mrs. duerson at silvercreek....a spot near or on the spine. since mam has had both breast cancer and hodgkin's lymphoma, it's really worrisome either way. many times breast cancer comes back in the bone and lymphoma often comes back in/near the diaphram. if the lymphoma passes over one side of the body to the other, it becomes more advanced.

my best friend sarah had just posted something on her facebook page that struck me...she had posted that she was "trying hard not to lose her faith in what is right and good." oddly enough, she had posted it on the day mam had gone to the doctor. i've always believed in fate, and maybe this is God's way of sending me a sign to keep my faith and just give it to him. as i told sarah though, i'm angry this time. when does this end? will this eventually take her from us or is there some purpose and reason God keeps putting this burden on her? seriously, 3 times in under 4 years??? haven't we learned what we're supposed to from these illnesses? maybe she keeps getting it because she's the only one strong enough to handle it. but isn't that just the way it goes for a lot of can handle it so we'll just keep giving it to you.

i am trying very hard to not lose sight and faith in what is right and good. i suppose this could be more devastating if it were my baby that had this horrible disease. i try very hard to look for something to be thankful for with these bouts with makes me feel guilty though to say i'm glad it isn't drew that is sick because i would never wish mam to be sick either. i suppose that's what i'm thankful for though, that it isn't drew that is sick. i feel like that's a really sucky thing to be thankful for....

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1


SAS said...

Hang in there girl! I am praying for you and Mammaw too! I love you and that juicy baby. :)

Sarabox said...

Summer, I am so sorry you all are going through this again. Your Mammaw has proven she is tough though and it's amazing what the love of a good family can get you through. She knows you love her dearly and that will bring her strength. If you need to talk, cry, scream or anything else you just let me know!!!