i took drew to the horse park yesterday. my mom and dad were camping for the weekend, something we've done for the last 20 years probably. we always go for the international rocky mountain horse show....always interesting and entertaining. great for people watching.
anyway, i was pretty sure i would end up seeing my old college roommate. her sister rides horses and their family is always there. i hadn't seen my roommate in over 4 years, nor have i talked to her. i had no way of contacting her....everything had been changed--email, phone, address, etc. it was just one of those things i guess.
while we lived in the dorm together, everything went very smoothly. we loved each other. so when it was time for dorm life to come to an end, we moved in together in an apartment. oh, but it didn't take long for me to realize how different that would be. the summer went fairly well but by the time school started, i had a hard time. i still loved her to death, but some things are too much for me. (well, lots of things are too much for me, but who's counting?)
so when i saw her yesterday, she was pretty much the same. especially the half-drunk part. i wasn't surprised, just a little, well, i don't even know the word to describe it. this was one of the major problems in our relationship. i'm no tee-totaller, but come on. i think before yesterday i just still had that feeling of being angry with her and not knowing why. yesterday i realized i just felt kind of sorry. sorry we didn't keep in touch. sorry she didn't get to see me get married. sorry she didn't know i had a child, a house, a job, a life. i guess i miss the relationship we could have had but i faced the fact that it probably never could have gone beyond where it did.
i think maybe what it boils down to is that i'm a hard person to be friends with...i expect a lot from someone. things like honesty, loyalty, respect, responsibility, morals, values, etc. i guess maybe i expect too much out of people. my mom always told me that....i expect people to be exactly how i think they should be when i should really just let them be. i do have a hard time making friends, to this day i have a hard time. i don't trust people, i don't want to put up with a lot of people and i'm not willing to give a lot of myself because i'm afraid of how it will come back to bite me. maybe i just had experiences that weren't the best when it came to girls and friends growing up. most of my friends are boys....i see some of my (few) girlfriends now and sometimes envy the relationship they have with their girlfriends. i'm very self-conscious that i don't have that. i think i'm even more self-conscious because i kind of don't want that either. it probably all boils down to the fact that i'm horribly self-conscious and don't think a lot of myself and how i appear to others, either physically or through personality. with me, having an incredibly intelligent brother has always made me feel well, for lack of a better word, dumb. and having two gorgeous, tiny sisters has always made me feel inferior and gigantic. (hey, it's my world, i can't help how i think.)
i appreciate those few close friends i have even more after this weekend. i don't think they realize how much i rely on them to be able to talk to and vent. don't take it for granted girls, you really do make a difference in my life, whether you realize it or not.
to conclude, i really think seeing a professional would be a good idea for me. this isn't something new --it's already been suggested several times by both my mom and my doctor. maybe someday....when the voices get too loud, ha!
(Oooo, i did it again, using humor and sarcasm to cover up my true feelings....therapy, here i come!)